Father, Son & Petroleum Spirit: The British Imperial War On PETs

GIOFESTThe Galearthéan Institute Of Flat Earth Science & Technology
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War On Pets British Empire
Just a sample of the personal electric vehicles banned from public spaces. Aren’t they beautiful?
PETs, or Personal Electric Transportation, are a rapidly growing form of small one person vehicles, powered by an electric motor and which generally reach a top speed of anywhere from 10mph up to 30mph, depending on their design.

They are mostly invented and produced overseas in places like Europe and the USA where looser rules and laws grant people the liberty to use them in public spaces, almost in some cases, as you would a regular vehicle.

They are without a shadow of a doubt the answer to our stinking, overcrowded car centric gas chambers, which our fascist British leaders like to call “greener cities”.

What a petrol headed lie.

“Illegal” is actually the only word a British Citizen may employ to describe these divine marvels of engineering.

For in this country, due to numerous legislative factors involving the licensing, classification and insuring of all vehicles, PETs may only be ridden in one place and one place only… your garden.

As if you would.

Granted you may spot one or two buzzing around car parks or even along a pavement, but I can assure you it won’t be long before that person is seen again, only to be carrying his backpack walking to work.

For it is an un-taxed, un-licensed, un-insured and un-classified sin to ride one of these vehicles about a public space… and so you will eventually be fined.

So watch out, the evil petroleum spirit is about, and firmly gripping our throats.

Bicycles rarely do more than 20mph, but we’re allowed those. You know why…? Because it requires physical effort, dedication and stamina. That’s why.

Making people sweat and restricting the market is the primary government strategy to selling cars.

It is an imperial war on freedom of movement.

Of course there should be regulations. The current view in Cornissian politics is that you should be:

  • 13 years old to ride a lightweight PET amongst pedestrians.
  • 15 years old to ride a chassised PET along a B road.
  • 17 years old to ride a classified PET along an A road.

And that:

  • Whence there is a cycle lane, the rider is always obliged to use it.
  • Whence there is a pavement, the rider, except of classified PETs, is always obliged to use it.
  • EAPCs or Electrically Assisted Pedal Cycles are not PETs and retain their separate laws.

Lightweight: accessory mobility such as skates, boards, micro scooters and top speed of 10mph.
Chassised: structural mobility such as monowheels, larger scooters, seat posted bikes and top speed of 20mph.
Classified: legally licensed high end PETs with significant physical footprint, recumbent seating and top speed of 30mph.

It is a long and winding road we sometimes must endure before our dreams are fulfilled.

Yet rest absolutely assured, that whence Cornissia declares independence, PETs will definitely be legal and publicly available to all.

God bless Cornissia.

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